My holiday was off to an inauspicious start when the Montenegro Airlines flight out was more than three hours late.
Gatwick Airport was the rendezvous for our package tour of Montenegro.
(Montenegro is one of the offshoots of the former Yugoslavia).
To get from Heathrow Airport to Gatwick I used a direct National Express coach that charged a whopping £25. I did it because of the time constraint. If I had known the plane was going to be 3 hours late, I could have managed the same transfer for a fiver on the red buses!
When the plane eventually arrived, there was no explanation or apology for the delay. The cabin crew did not look too motivated. Granted, they got the work done, but totally devoid of style much like the beasts of burden (magwayimani) we use in rural Zimbabwe. My experience of the flight was reminiscent of other sluggish state-run airlines namely Air Zimbabwe, Cyprus Airways and Air India. They all need to take a leaf out of Sir Branson's book.
The delay meant we were now going to get to Montenegro after sunset. Unfortunately our target airport, Tivat, was not able to handle night landings. So we were diverted to Podgorica airport and had to complete the the rest of the journey by a two hour coach ride, only getting to the hotel at 1:00am. I was absolutely worn out through it all, having been on an eleven-hour flight the night before. The silver lining was that I slept very well that first night at the hotel, as I normally do when I'm exhausted (in keeping with the theory of conservation of pleasure).
Once we sliced through the state-run inefficiency, we found a delightful kernel inside. Once we got to the hotel, life began in earnest.
Our mother hen was Rachel.
She was infinitely more cheerful than the average tour leader. Every time she spoke she sounded like she was going to burst into a giggle any moment! Our speaker (pastor) was Gareth. 
His unassuming looks belied a tremendous analytical capacity. He shared some profound perspectives on the book of Daniel that were new on me. With the hedonistic focus that normally comes with the territory of holiday resorts, spiritual drift is always a real risk. Gareth did a sterling job of recalibrating our spiritual compasses every evening.
Our tour was limited to the Adriatic coastline. It is amazingly picturesque
backed by equally beautiful rugged limestone mountains.
We even got to climb one of the mountains.
The coastline is highly indented, creating plenty of sheltered bays and a remarkable 294km of coastline ( a lot longer if you choose higher fractal resolution).
Even though Montenegro is on the Adriatic Sea, its climate is essentially Mediterranean with hot dry summers and autumns. The locals and visitors alike certainly knew how to worship the sun. 
I saw a lot of pseudo-negroes. That's how deep their tans were. Some were almost darker than me! I don't think the clothing industry fares too well there because of sartorial minimalism both on the beaches and streets alike.
It is not surprising that Montenegro has been a desirable place throughout its history , both for its strategic value and aesthetic allure.
Which explains the plethora of historic fortifications in most of the major towns.
In spite of all that security infrastructure
the jewel of the Adriatic has changed hands umpteen times over the ages since its humble beginnings as a vassal of the Byzantine Empire in the 6th century.
The historic city of Kotor 
is protected not only against invaders but also against the vagaries of the
Adriatic. Kotor Bay is a well sheltered deep water haven that cruise liners can't resist. We saw plenty of pretty awesome vessels moored in the bay. 
If you count carefully you will see that that particular vessel is at least six storeys high!
I would like to go on one of those when I grow up.
There were yet more cruise liners sneaking in and out under cover of darkness like the invaders of old.
Further down the coast were smaller but equally awesome vessels in Budva.
If Budva has the class end of marinas, then the flesh-and-blood end belongs to Herceg Novi .
Every community has its niche competency. For the Montenegrans, it has to be meat processing. I saw more ham varieties there than I have ever seen. 
Some even look like biltong.
I went to a deli once to try out some local fare. So I asked a shop assistant wether a certain variety of cold meat was ready to eat. Like most places in Montenegro, her English was severely limited. So I was reduced to sign language! Obviously my sign language was not great because she thought I was requesting a sample to taste. She promptly offered the sample which fortunately answered my question all the same.
The population of Montenegro is less than 700 thousand. So annual tourist arrivals outnumber the locals! As far as I could see, tourism is by far the main engine of the economy. Which does not bode too well for the future. If the titans of tourism such as Greece and Spain are struggling, there can't be too much hope for smaller players.
Shortly before the end of our holiday, most of us on the trip went down with the runs. For me it lasted only 24 hours but I had to forgo sneezing as well as an excursion to the Blue Cave.
I felt the cave water might not remain too blue if I swam in it in my condition! We are not likely to ever get to the bottom (no pun intended) of the problem. There were just too many variables.
Someone christened it "The Montenegrin Detox." There is a grain of truth in that. We certainly were over-eating at the hotel. My net weight gain over the holiday was only 2kg, thanks to the stomach issues. I didn't expect to get off that lightly(again no pun intended)!
The first prize for contagious cheerfulness on the trip goes to Sunita.
She was always a delight to be around. 
When she succumbed to the tummy bug, the whole trip was the poorer for it.
I had two flies in the ointment of this holiday. One was the tummy bug (probably due to flies). The other was a proposed day excursion to Dubrovnik, Croatia. Croatia is in the process of joining the EU. So they introduced a requirement for Schengen visas thirty days before our trip. That requirement was not applicable at the time I planned the trip. As new members, they are obviously still over zealous at insisting on EU regulations. I think they deserve a jobsworth award for all that fervor. To cut a long story short, I was pulled off the coach and barred from entering Croatia. As I waited in the border post shed, I witnessed a spectacle of Croatian Police searching this vehicle. 
I don't think I have ever seen such a thorough search before. It all made Beitbridge look like a picnic!
I went back and spent the rest of the day loitering along the Herceg Novi esplanade. When the rest of the party returned, I was really touched by a gift I received from Trish and the two Sues. They had jointly bought me a souvenir from Dubrovnik that now graces my fridge.
It is the only evidence I have to prove that I very nearly got to Dubrovnik!
Apart from the Croatians and diarrhoea (I'm not sure which is worse), I have fond memories of Montenegro. I am glad I chose that destination. Fortunately the two issues did not make a bummer of the overall holiday. On the Montenegro Airlines flight out of Tivat, I was allocated a seat in the back of the aircraft. It put me in mind of Dr Henry Kissinger who said the only reason for sitting in the back of an airplane is because you either have diarrhoea or are keen to meet people who do! Even though my own stomach had stabilized by then I did meet people who still had diarrhoea there!
If you wish to explore Montenegro from the safety of a Christian crowd, please visit www.oakhall.co.uk
