MY ZIMBABWE: 2016

They say good jokes usually contain an element of truth that we can identify with. This one is no exception, at least in Zimbabwe anyway :

However I find hope in the words of the late Tiny Rowland. He said opportunity comes hand in hand with adversity. If that is anything to go by then we must have serious opportunities in Zimbabwe! Just got to discover them:)

FISCAL ILL DISCIPLINE

At the root of the current difficulties in Zimbabwe is a perennial government budget deficit. It's a self-compounding problem because its ramifications have the effect of further shrinking what remains of the tax base. There are no reserves or creditworthiness to fund the deficit. So the only way to fund it is to steal from somebody. The pension funds were pillaged long ago. The only meaningful body of liquid funds left was depositors savings in the commercial banks. Those savings were raided this year. The predator is none other than the central bank itself(aka The Reserve Bank). Ironically they are the ones who have been regaling us with a lot of hot air about deposit protection!

Also two years ago the Reserve Bank proposed to set up a national credit bureau to deal with nonperforming loans and other bad apples in the banking sector.

THEFT

Now the Reserve Bank itself has become the smelliest bad apple of all!

They siphoned depositors' funds from the commercial banks in exchange for IOUs called treasury bills. Treasury bills are legitimate instruments in other countries but not in Zimbabwean because here they are not necessarily honoured on maturity. So effectively the commercial banks parted with depositors' real money and were left clutching worthless IOUs. Then when the depositors came to withdraw their savings this is what happened:(

FRAUDULENT COVER-UP

To fill the gap, the Reserve Bank is now printing a new nebulous currency called bond notes. So some of the depositors in that queue will only be able to withdraw that dodgy currency even though they deposited real money in the first place.

Not surprisingly, there have been lots of street protests this year.

In spite of a lot of rhetoric about the ease of doing business, the business environment is not great. But thankfully Gwatamatics are still produced.

There are parasites all over, many of them institutionalized. Notwithstanding the stresses, I'm still glad I went into business.

When I started my business it was a big gamble. I traded in a formal job with guaranteed income for possible higher returns from an unproven technology: http://youtu.be/QvYpZ6nWjZs

In hindsight I am glad I made that move. Not least because the security previously associated with formal jobs is no more. Job security is all but a myth now in Zimbabwe. Even those who still have formal jobs are no longer guaranteed payment on time, if at all! Even when they do get paid, it is an uphill struggle to access the money from the bank.

EXPEDITION TO THE ZAMBEZI VALLEY

In June I joined a mission expedition to Siabuwa in the Zambezi valley. The expedition was a joint effort between Highlands Presbyterian Church of Harare and New Hope Baptist Church of Atlanta, USA.

I had been to Siabuwa before but only as a fleeting visitor. This time we were there for almost a full week. One challenge we faced was heating enough water for 20 campers to shower. For that I built a Dandamatic (solid fuel stove) with a difference.

All Dandamatics built before then had been primarily meant for general catering. This one was designed to heat water. It worked well except for one problem.

The water vessel was made of mild steel, so it rusted. Users with fair hair ended up getting unwanted redhead tints! I particularly felt sorry for Katie

So I'm now making a stainless steel version for future trips.

(the slender one).

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE DANDAMATIC
The first Dandamatic was built seven years ago as a catering solution for the Women's Association of Chakadini Methodist Church in Marondera West. In designing it I obeyed the laws of physics but defied tradition. The key objectives were to produce a heavy duty stove that could take whole logs without any need to split them. To ignite whole logs the ventilation has to be particularly good. So to augment ventilation the fire is suspended on that grating at the bottom.

Furthermore the cylindrical walls promote a flue effect. To maximize the flue effect one would ideally want hyperbolic sides. But that would be daunting to fabricate, so I had to make do with just plain cylindrical outside walls. The internal concentric rings are there to grasp saucepans of various diameters. Even traditional ceramic calabashes will settle well on the rings.

These are the cooking facilities the ladies of Chakadini Methodist had to contend with before

and this is what they now have with a Dandamatic thrown in.

ICELAND TOUR

In August I had the privilege of joining a holiday expedition to Iceland.

It was easily one of the best holidays I've ever had. For more details please see previous post in this blog.

En route to Iceland I was changing flights in London. So I took the opportunity to do a bit of travel in England.

During the Zimbabwean famine of the year 2008, whenever I was hungry my fantasies would revolve around Olde English fish and chips with thick-cut soggy chips. That was my idea of heaven! This year I went to heaven. I went on a gastronomic tour of the east coast of England from The Wash to Whitby, sampling fish and chips everyday and sometimes twice a day.

It is little wonder then that by the end of the holiday I had put on four kilograms! It took me a good three months to shed three of the four kgs.

MEMORY LANE

The rest of the UK tour was predominantly a trip down memory lane.
1. Had a reunion lunch with my classmates from the University of Surrey.

Sitting next to me is Susan who was like my surrogate sister when I was thousands of miles away from home.

2. Revisited Frimley Park Hospital, the cradle of the Gwatamatic.

In case you're wondering how the two are connected please visit: http://www.wipo.int/ipadvantage/en/details.jsp?id=2536

The hospital referred to in there is Frimley Park.

3. Made a pilgrimage to St. Paul's Church in Camberley.

That is the church where I was born again.

4. Walked down Camberley High Street.

5. Walked down Guildford High Street again, this time with tour guide extraordinaire Dr Barry Gould, my lecturer from the University of Surrey days.

PHOTO GALLERY

1. My nephew Tinashe wed.

2. My niece Chido wed.

3. My mother turned 92.

4. It was good to see my prayer warrior Jane Pringle a few months ago when she was back visiting in Zimbabwe.

5. It was good to welcome Rev "JOB" aka Jerome O'Brien and his family on a visit back to Zim.

6. How many ZESA technicians does it take to change a lightbulb? 8.

During the year I had a power supply fault due to sagging powerlines. Eight technicians descended on my house to fix the fault. As far as I could see only one of them climbed up the pole to tighten the cables. This is how the rest of them spent the afternoon!

I wish you all a similarly relaxed Christmas.

Iceland is a bit of a misnomer in summer when

ice is limited to glaciers at high altitudes.

And they really do make hay while the sun shines, literally.

I'm told the story changes dramatically in winter.

GETTING THERE

I surprisingly have good memories of my days as an articled clerk at the firm of accountants Ernst and Young. I suppose as long as I worked on senior partners' jobs, life was good. Sadly the same could not be said of junior partners' jobs. Junior partners were generally insecure and appeared bent on impressing, if not appeasing, senior partners. For that reason their jobs were endless nightmares. In contrast senior partners were self assured and did not need to prove anything. So working on their jobs was a breeze.

Similar dynamics seem to apply to the European Union. Two years ago I applied for a Schengen visa through the German embassy and it was a breeze. However applying for the same visa through junior members of the EU can be a nightmare but the Danish embassy in London turned out to be a notable exception.

My quest for a Schengen visa this year was a right obstacle course that appeared insurmountable at times. For a start there is no Iceland embassy in Zimbawe. Apparently the Norwegian embassy in Harare used to process visas for Iceland but the embassy was closed this year (possibly as part of cost cutting measures in response to the drop in oil prices). Visas for Norway are now processed by the Dutch embassy in Harare. So I tried them and they were none too helpful.

To cut a long story short, my trek eventually led me to the Danish Embassy in Knightbridge, London where I found an extremely helpful consular officer. She was like a breath of fresh air and processed my Schengen visa in the nick of time.

My total expenditure on visas and attempted visa applications for the holiday came to US$310. Murombo haarove chine nguwo! (...whoever does not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them)

PACK HALF AS MANY CLOTHES AND TWICE AS MUCH MONEY

Both Johannesburg and Nairobi airports have lost my luggage before. So I naturally chose to fly through DUBAI. Then guess what?! This time I had to live out of an Asda carrier bag for three days. Apparently there had been a crash landing in Dubai that had messed up their baggage handling systems. That was the the explanation I was given anyway. It nevertheless reminded me that it is possible to survive on a lot less clothes than the tonnes we usually pack. The need to buy emergency underwear underlined Murphy's Law: Anything that can gobble up your spending money will do.

Fortunately I had a few days between flights in London. So I was re-united with my luggage before proceeding to Iceland.

GEOLOGY

Every holiday destination has a core attraction. In Africa it is wildlife(zoology) while in Israel it is archeology. In the Black Forest it is botany in the form of Northern Forests. In Thailand it is fornication even. Thankfully in Iceland it is only geology.

In fact Iceland is a geologist's feast.

Even for pretenders like me it is also turned out to be a feast, not least because in Sue we had a professional geographer for a tour guide

In geological terms, Iceland is considered to be a relatively young landmass. In fact it is home to the youngest island in the world, Surtsey that was born in volcanic eruptions in the sixties.

To get a glimpse of the eruptions please visit https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=e73uesIwOLc

Because of its young age, Iceland hasn't had enough history to accumulate substantial weathering (soil) let alone sedimentary deposits like salt and hydrocarbons.

Because the average soil layer is so thin, tree cover is also thin.

However there are still 150 varieties of plants.

But vast areas are bare rock with just moss cover.

In places the moss carpet is deep pile!

In other places there are moonscapes.

Because of their volcanic pedigree, the soils are dark.

Even the sand on most beaches is black.

So are the sand dunes.

The bulk of the Iceland landscape is made up of igneous rock

or derivatives thereof.

The Great Dyke in Zimbabwe is also an igneous intrusion

similar to Iceland rock. That suggests Iceland must be rich in platinum group metals too. However I did not see any evidence of mining activity in Iceland.

Interesting variations on the igneous theme crop up from place to place:

Iceland has many active volcanoes.

Hekla

gave a false alarm only two months before we visited.

Another active volcano Eyjafjallajokull paralysed air travel across Europe when it spewed ash into the stratosphere in 2010.

Even without an actual eruption, steam vents

and geysers

are constant reminders of geological volatility.

In school geography we did encounter volcanoes, geothermal energy and geysers, but they were all largely confined to the theoretical speculative realm in much the same way as dinosaurs in biology. On this expedition they sprang to life (excluding the dinosaurs of course).

Living with active volcanoes is a double edged sword. It must be unsettling to say the least.

Furthermore, horrendous floods accompany volcanic eruptions that occur under glaciers.

However there is bound to be a net payoff, otherwise nobody would be living there.

There is an abundance of geothermal fields with steam vents all over the place.

Around 25% of Iceland's electricity comes from geothermal power stations harnessing such thermal fields

Notice that there are no cooling towers at that power station. The condensate is piped as hot water to urban areas for heating purposes.

The remaining 75% of their electricity comes from hydroelectric plants. Which is just as well considering nuclear power stations would be a daunting prospect on such an unstable geological crust.

Other spinoffs are 1. Volcanic ash, which enhances the fertility of farmland.

2. In Westman Islands, solidified magma from a 1973 volcanic eruption left the harbour better protected, albeit after a desperate fight.

3. Tephra, which is a useful filler on civil engineering projects.

Tephra is the solid matter that explosive volcanoes belch out over and above ash.

4. Not to mention tourism.

Paradoxically, tourism appears to be booming in spite of the extremely high cost of living.

For 9950 Icelandic Krona I had the most expensive lunch I've ever paid for all my life.

That was equivalent to £67 or US$85 at the exchange rates ruling on the day. It was naughty but nice, even though it wasn't a full plate.

Thankfully thereafter all my meals were covered by the package holiday. Oak Hall put together an amazingly good value package deal for such an expensive environment. And a good crowd too. The crowd's age range was 11 to >70 but still got on well together.

Although sometimes the young were clearly reluctant to listen to the wisdom of the old.

As usual for Oak Hall holidays, great evening Bible studies were part of the package. This time we had the privilege of Angus, a highly qualified vicar, for a speaker.

ARCHITECTURE

Viking houses were built to last.

Needless to say they are no longer practical for modern man's needs. Modern cosmopolitan architecture has taken over, at least in Reykjavik

A vibrant city, judging by the incidence of construction cranes.

Some modern Icelandic dwellings

are reminiscent of styles I saw in Denmark on a visit in my student days. Not surprising considering they were a colony of Denmark until 1944.

In Africa corrugated iron sheets are a poor man's building material. Not in Iceland! They make remarkable commercial, residential, industrial and farm buildings out of the humble corrugated iron sheet.

Which confirms what I've always suspected: that Africa's poverty has its roots more in lack of skills than lack of materials. We will have to arrange attachments in Iceland for some of our apprentices.

CHITSVA CHIRI MURUTSOKA (TRENDS THAT WERE NEW ON ME)

1. A walk-in supermarket cold room.

A lot less fuss than this:

2. British rail fares are now extortionate!

For the distance involved that worked out at 80pence per mile!

After that I hired a car and covered 1200 miles at a "landed cost" of only 17pence per mile! That's excluding the parking fines:)

I'd be bankrupt if I had done all those miles on the trains!

3.After spending a fortune on Tom Tom, I discovered that Google Maps

is more user-friendly than Tom Tom and is free too! For some reason Google Maps is not that well known in Southern Africa but works perfectly here too, at least in Harare.

4. Wide mouth juice bottles were a delight, especially when one is ravenous. Much less frustrating than cans and standard bottles.

6. The Dartford Crossing is now a toll road without toll gates. Those "C" figures painted on the road are about all there is to say you've got to pay online. If someone hadn't told me I would never have guessed!

7. Forget the fancy boutiques! Sartorial elegance can now be found in a hardware store near you.

My "diversity suit" cost only US$4 at Mica Hardware, Harare.

Even my safety shoes came from Mining and Industrial Supplies, Harare.

With jagged volcanic debris on some walks, safety shoes were in their element.

PHOTO GALLERY

Our brilliant Iceland host Kristjan

Ice 1 looks like more fun than Zim 1

Icelandic cod "biltong" and the tool required to split it!

A musical boat captain who obviously made a career mistake.

The hair alone could have easily secured a place for him in a rock band!

An extreme tour guide who specialises in expeditions to places other vehicles cannot reach

The Rift Valley where the Eurasian and North American tectonic plates meet.

The rocks have parted. Maybe the Israelites once passed through here!

UK STOPOVER

I was changing flights in London so I took the opportunity of a brief stopover with two objectives: to catch up with some friends and to go on a gastronomic tour of the East Coast. During the Zimbabwe famine of 2008, whenever I was hungry my fantasies would revolve around Olde English fish and chips with thick cut soggy chips. That was my idea of heaven. So for some years it has been my desire to go and sample authentic traditional fish and chips in situ. On the basis of a number of recommendations I settled on the East Coast from The Wash to Whitby.